True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
