Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
