She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
