using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
