How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
