She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
