at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
