If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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