There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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