I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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