I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
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