i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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