I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Just cropdusted the office
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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