My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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