he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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