if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
