im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
