3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize