I accidentally had phone sex last night
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize