So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
