Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Randomize