I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
