can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
