Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
