I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Randomize
