He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Panties = found
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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