she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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