I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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