woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
