i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
