I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
