I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
