If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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