Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
