I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
