I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
He felt like a one man threesome
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
