Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
a search helicopter?!
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
