Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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