I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
You were trust falling into bushes
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
