You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
