I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
