Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
