i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
