the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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