she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Randomize
