I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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