My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
