He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
