OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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