I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
