You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
