i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
It's shark week go big or go home
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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