remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
