Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
