I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
