I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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