Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
