Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
